Over the last 4 years, I have come to realize that I am the perfect parent. I don’t know how I got to be so lucky, but I have yet to make a single parenting mistake in the raising of my two perfect angels.

So, in the spirit of giving back, I thought I would impart some of my inherent parenting wisdom on any less fortunate parents out there. If I can help just one parent, then my job will be done.

The following lessons were learned in just the past 24 hours. [Yes, even I amaze myself at my super parenting skills.]

Lesson #1: The children are never to be considered “tucked in” until eyes are closed and you can hear snoring.
So, we “tucked in” the kiddos last night (went through the whole bedtime routine) and retired downstairs to catch up on some work. We felt perfectly safe and secure that our angels were resting peacefully upstairs until a loud *THUD* followed by a heart-wrenching cry rang through the house. I raced upstairs to see what had happened. Hubby was already there and from the look on his face, I was terrified to look at my little T who was sobbing on the bed. Finally, I took a glace, just long enough to see the HUGE, golf ball-sized purple knot forming on his forehead. I started to cry and left the room to get ice. (Note to self: I wouldn’t count on me to be the calm one in a true emergency situation–I don’t know what it is, but seeing your child hurt is utterly terrifying.)

Well, I thought I was being brilliant by forming neat little ice pack out of frozen blueberries. While it worked well and did the trick at bringing down the swelling, I didn’t realize at the time it would lead to Lesson #2.

Everything turned out to be okay. He was apparently jumping into his bed when he lost his footing and hit is head on the dresser. He’s darn lucky he didn’t hit his eye or nose or knock out a tooth. There was still evidence of the injury today, as seen in Exhibit A, below (see faint purple outline on left side of forehead):

My son’s fixation, however, on what would happen to the bag of frozen blueberries after we were done using them as an ice pack leads us to my 2nd shining moment as a parent.

Lesson #2: A child never forgets.
So, after we were sure there was no need to rush him to the ER, we put the kids back to bed (it’s after 11:00 p.m. now) and I threw the bag of somewhat frozen blueberries back into the freezer in case we needed them again.

I forgot about them. T did not.

In the morning, hubby and I were awakened by the grinning, blueberry stained mouth of our youngest. Great. They found the blueberries. But as we walked downstairs into the kitchen, the blue handprints on the wall (see Exhibit B below), should have tipped us off that it was only the beginning of a very, very, very bad thing.

I wish I had thought to take a picture of the state of our living room carpet, but hubs and I were too upset. The boys had literally turned it into a war zone, using melting blueberries as ammo. They had blueberries on their faces, on their feet, the once white carpet was polka-dotted with purple and blue, and there were blue handprints and footprints everywhere. It was like some sort of freaky, fruity horror film.

We all got to work on trying to get the stains out of the carpet…a frustrating task to say the least. Hubs finally gave up and decided to make breakfast.  He tossed some bagels into the toaster, which leads us to…

Lesson #3: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever put an iPod in the toaster.

Yeah.  No kidding.  Those things really should come with warning labels or something to notify parents that iPods are not toaster-safe.

To be honest, I can’t for sure blame the kids for this one as being the genius parent that I am, as I ever-so carefully stored the iPod on the wood shelf pictured below…

…which happens to be directly above the toaster.

I know. 

You might want to jot that one down.

Needless to say, the iPod is toast.

Well, I hope I was able to enlighten you all a bit on what it’s like to be such an outstanding parent.  Lord knows, I’m only going to get better when #3 arrives, so watch out world!


42 Responses to “ parenting.101. ”

  1. Alison Says:

    I have never laughed so hard! I think I peed myself a bit.

  2. Melissa Says:

    Wow!! What a day! That was great, sorry for your unfortunate polka dot carpet but man, that will be a good laugh many many MANY years later :)

  3. Michelle Says:

    Good lessons, all. I wonder how the ipod would do in the washer? We live dangerously over here and I keep finding it in pockets in the dirty laundry.

    #3 will test you in ways you hadn’t (and the other 2 hadn’t ) even thought of. I’m speaking from experience!

  4. Linda Connor Says:

    Glad he’s doing ok and that he didn’t seriously hurt himself.I do have to say the little blueberry hand prints on the wall are really cute. I know..easy for me to say, its not on my wall. This did give me a good giggle.

  5. Justyna Says:

    Oh man, you missed the best pic of all, the polka dot carpet!!!! that would have been the best photo ever. Hee hee.
    Very funny post, M!

  6. Angie Says:

    Is it bad that I’m cracking up. You are almost as perfect as me in your parenting ;) Oh man, this is life with boys, I tell ya… Thanks for the laugh.

  7. Ingrid Says:

    I had the best laugh reading your horrific tale. Sadly, I can relate. You are an awesome parent. Rock on.

  8. Rochelle Says:

    OH MY GOSH Michelle!
    That was the cutest thing in the world…Sad about your ipod, but glad your boys safe and not missing any TEEF! :)

  9. Kerstin Says:

    OH my, thank you! You made my morning with my two boys!!!! :) Thanks for the laugh….up to new adventures with my kids ;)

  10. Alli Gaulin Says:

    Oh my gracious, I am rolling, seriously. Thank you for emparting your parenting wisdom on me, I so needed that today! LOLOLOLOLOLLLOL!!!!!!!!

  11. Danielle Says:

    OMG! What a day! Sounds like you are handling it well! Thanks for sharing it with everyone…makes all us moms feel more like normal people!!

  12. Caitlin Domanico Photography Says:

    This post is hysterical! Thank you for sharing:)

  13. Tina Says:

    Oh, Michele…you have me in tears because I’m laughing so hard. I’m glad that T is ok. Give him a big hug and kiss from Ms. Tina. I have always used some sort of frozen fruit or veggies as an ice pack so thank you for the heads up. :)

  14. Allison F. Says:

    OH MY GOODNESS!!! You poor poor Mom!! I love that you have a great sense of humour about it, am glad your little one is ok. Your lessons will be taken to heart!

  15. Vickey Says:

    oh you poor dear! I think this would make a great part two of the book: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible,
    No Good, Very Bad Day….. :)

  16. marta Says:

    this is great! I love the photo documentary of it all as well!

  17. lyndsay Says:

    Oh no….I’m am totally laughing at you right now, uhm, I mean with you right?! HaHa! Just know that you’re not alone. We spent last night steam cleaning our rugs because our 3 year old dumped out a bottle of shampoo everywhere and then drew a line down the hall with her lip gloss. Misery loves company? LOL!!

  18. Carol Says:

    Hmmm…..I think I see laminate or hardwood floors in your near future, perhaps with some area rugs you can toss if they get blueberry stains on them?? I use frozen corn, you may want to try that next time!! Glad he is ok.

  19. Christie Lacy Says:

    ROFL! best story I’ve read all week! thanks for the laugh!

  20. Heather Says:

    This is classic!! I am cracking up. Don’t you just love what two boys can come up with in a matter of seconds? You will never be bored! All you can do is laugh to keep from crying or going insane! :)

  21. Sheryl Says:

    O.M.G…..BIG HUGS!!!!

    Thanks for the forewarning as my DS is turning two in exactly one month!

  22. Brandy Says:

    LOLOLOL! The iPod is toast!

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  24. Tina Says:

    Michele ~ May God bless you with 2 boys and a GIRL…because I have the 3 boys and lemme just tell you. That is how my house runs NON-stop! P.S. Where’s the blueberry teeth picture?

  25. Kim Says:


  26. Elizabeth Walls Says:

    If it makes you feel better, Michele, you had to have TWO boys to cause that much chaos… ONE can accomplish the same thing in ten seconds flat.

    Although I have to say he has yet to get a hold of the iPod. Not however due to lack of trying.

  27. meredith Says:

    Oh Michele! I think this falls under the category of “we’ll look back on this one day and laugh!”

  28. kristi Says:

    I am sitting here, laughing out loud in Caribou coffee ( I am traveling….) and the connection here is so slow, that the images have not even loaded….so I am simply laughing…..(people are looking at me!) at the description! Oh my goodness………toooooo funny! Can’t wait until the images actually load!

  29. reata Says:

    omg! that was sooo hilarious… i feel bad for you son’s head, your carpet, walls, and iPod… but dang! what a funny little story! :)

  30. maricar Says:

    Oh my goodness!! I’m sorry that I was laughing and crying at the same time. The blueberries on the carpet thing really had my heart racing. Were you guys able to get it out?!?

  31. rikka Says:

    oh my gosh. LOL Ya know, if you survived all of that and are able to blog it without doing so from behind bars, you are STILL THE PERFECT PARENT ;p

  32. emily Says:

    Oh Michelle, we have all had those days, but man that one was a killer.
    Only you could make a post toaster ipod photo look beautiful.

  33. Ule Says:

    oh my – you should send that to Mac – LMAO!!!!

  34. Holly Sisson Says:

    Oh man! What a 12-hours you had! (I hope the other 12 hours of the day were fairly uneventful!) My suggestion, next time use ‘frozen peas’! How’s the carpet now? Any success with the stains?

  35. Kelli France Says:

    Holy crap! That is the funniest thing I’ve read all week! Good to know I am not the only one living in constant chaos ;0)

  36. Jeanelle Says:

    Oh My Goodness! What a day!
    The joys of being a mom!

  37. Alex Says:

    I love this post, it reminds me of so many things my own children did when they were younger, how i had forgotten! ;)

  38. Jen Stewart Says:

    OH MAN, thank you for the laugh this morning. Having 4 kids of my own (and the oldest 3 are boys!) I know exactly what you mean, and can totally relate to the “perfect parenting” :)

    Another tip, I learned only a week after getting my first iPod, they do not work if you use it as a tea bag…………. :( lol

  39. Kristen Roedner Says:

    Oh, man! You’re a wonderful storyteller. So sorry about the streak of bad luck. But I have some good news: I know some amazing carpet cleaners who will knock your socks off, they’re so good. Give Heaven’s Best a ring-a-ding-ding. The price is right and the carpet will be back to new. You really won’t believe it.

  40. Jenn Says:

    OMG. You’re hilarious. You’re a perfect parent based solely on how you reacted to all those situations.

  41. shannon Says:

    just read this post and i have to say it beats the bananas and honey i woke up to this morning. lots of cousins spending the night and decided my 8yr. old needed it smeared on his face while he slept. hello carpet cleaning! sounds like you handled it a little better than I!!

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